The Hard Stuff--Marriage

Life happens on life's terms.  I'm not always happy with this.  I prefer life on my terms, but it simply isn't set up that way.

About Marriage (or whatever you get to/want to call your long-term relationship)

It is hard work.  At least, mine is and I think it is worth the work, but it isn't always fun or easy or intuitive.  It certainly doesn't play itself out in 1-3 hours like on TV or in the movies or even in books. Resolutions don't come neatly and in Prime Time.

It's snot-nosed crying, yelling, laughing when you didn't expect to, saying stuff you don't mean and going to bed angry, or bewildered or dissatisfied.  It is sometimes saying exactly what's going on in my head--even if I don't understand it or feel I have the "right" words for it.  And sometimes it's saving what's in my head for later, or never, or just to say out loud to a close friend and see if it still makes sense or is important.  Sometimes, I say exactly what I need to say and there isn't anyone interested in listening.

Marriage is out there in a world of people who are as screwed up as I am or more screwed up.  Sometimes people have no skills and I have to be one to put on the big girl shoes and get on with the business of standing up for what I need or speaking the truth or healing.  Sometimes, maybe more often, I need someone else to be the responsible adult.  Sometimes people get all up inside your marriage and you have to figure out how to get them out. Sometimes you have to seek out people who can step in and help.

Feelings get hurt.  There are scenes made.  There are betrayals. Mistakes get made and there are consequences. There are times when there is no good answer and you have to live with doing the best you can and doing better if you ever figure out what that is.  Often, apologies are not enough.

In my experience, it takes all the confusing, hard, weepy work to get the good stuff of marriage.  And there is plenty of good.  But people are a messy business and a big responsibility and sometimes we are more up to the task than other times.  I've also found that hard times give way to good times and good times fade to challenges and around again.

Why do the work? Why put your heart on the line? There's laughter, passion, intimacy, camaraderie, security and serenity.  Looks across the room, memories, winks and smiles.  A best friend, a shared history, shared growth and a collection of private sweet little moments.

Marriage endures in the grey areas, not the extremes.  It's not about happily ever after on one side and divorce on the other. It's not about rash decisions or easy fixes or instant gratification (most of the time).  It's about walking through all the moments one at a time with no guarantees. It's about taking the happiness as it comes and the hard times as they come too. It's about living with someone, a day at a time, as long as it lasts. It is never forever.

Life. Love. It's worth it--hang in there.




© Elizabeth Ebel-Nuwayser and K and Z Homeschool, 2013. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Elizabeth Ebel-Nuwayser and K and Z Homeschool with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.