The Hard Stuff--Grief

“I thought I could describe a state; make a map of sorrow. Sorrow, however, turns out to be not a state but a process. It needs not a map but a history...” 
― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed


My first draft of this post was very enlightened and sweeping and had great advice on living through grief.  And some--or maybe even a lot--of it will end up in the final draft but first...

Sorrow, hurt and pain suck.  Grief is hard. That's what I think.  It is never fun to go through.  Sometimes it physically hurts.  It can be paralyzing.  It has a horrible sense of uniqueness to it that makes me feel like there's no one who will understand.  There is a sense of weakness about it, a sense that I am letting it go on too long or too strong.  That no one else takes so long to get over things. That everyone is sick to death of hearing about it.  I get sick of hearing myself.

In my typical fashion, I went it alone.  Then I got lonely.  Then I got angry.  Then I actually was alone.  Almost irrevocably.

There are better ways to walk through sorrow. 
But it will never be easy.  When things don't turn out like I wanted, let alone how I expected, it hurts.  It's hard. 
And it never lasts.

Been reading a great book lately--Unattended Sorrow and it has been a huge help.  Completely counter-intuitive for me.  It suggests letting sorrow take as much space in my body and psyche as it wants.  Not to turn it away, ignore it or bottle it up.

This may be obvious to you, but it's not how I naturally operate.  It was unexpected to find that there was plenty of room for it.  There were also tears for it, nausea for a little while and, typical for me, a desire to shut all the feelings down (read Fear).  I didn't realize how much was there and that it is about more than the death of loved ones (most recently, my dad in 2009).  Because I never willingly gave grief any space all the disappointments, hard times and hurts of my life were waiting to latch onto any new grief.  All waiting for some space.

So I gave it space and here I am.  Still alive and not so sad.  Able to do the things I need to do and some of the things I like to do and even some new things.

This grief is giving me the space I didn't give it for so long and it is being kinder to me.  It's not coming out all sideways.  It's not hanging around in the wee hours waiting to make me feel miserable.  It's simply there.  Ready for me when I'm ready for it.  Most of the time.  I have to admit, that places, songs, scents can all put me back in touch with my sorrow whether I'd like to right then or not.  But now I try to give it a moment.  It turns out that a little nod, a breath and a bit of stillness is all it needs, then I get to go on about my business.

I'm not terrific at giving grief space yet.  It sneaked up on me just yesterday and I ignored it.  Old habits are hard to break. When I talked about it this morning, it was almost an afterthought to the conversation.  I almost forgot to say something--but as soon as I did I could feel my throat constrict and my nose itch.  Still, I kept the conversation going and didn't take that pause.  Why is that?  I knew I was upset, I knew I was having feelings.  Why not give myself a moment to experience them?

Because I think they will take up too much space.  That it's a bottomless pit.  This time--I won't ever stop feeling sad. Yes. But also it's my strong desire to keep control over everything.  Grief doesn't walk a predictable path and I find that unnerving and frightening.  I don't ride roller coasters because I don't like the feeling of gravity pulling me down and in a similar way, I don't like be jerked around by my emotions and I fight it.  I'm learning that it's a losing battle and the harder I fight it, the more casualties there are.

So today I'll give grief (or sorrow or disappointment or fear) its moment of grace.  So far it hasn't gone on forever and it hasn't killed me.  My life is flowing more and has lost that stuck feeling. I've even been a bit happier.


© Elizabeth Ebel-Nuwayser and K and Z Homeschool, 2013. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Elizabeth Ebel-Nuwayser and K and Z Homeschool with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Why I still don't like Thanksgiving

I can't remember a time that I looked forward to Thanksgiving or particularly enjoyed the holiday when it arrived.

Yes, I have many blessings and try to take time often to count them and be thankful for them. This past year was no exception. There has been a lot of good to be grateful for--just look back at the entries for the year. But this has never had an effect on my feelings for the Thanksgiving holiday. It is an obligation that at least comes with my mom's great cooking--definitely a bright spot in an otherwise yucky day.

Death and disaster hang over Thanksgiving for me. It has often been the first holiday that comes close after someone dies. In fact, one year, a cousin died in a traffic accident that very day. I used to dread the coming of fall, wondering what catastrophe would hit and have to be the elephant in the room over Thanksgiving.

I'm not making this up, here's just the ones I remember off the top of my head:

Sept
My father died last year

Oct
a bad breakup for me in the 80s

Nov
my grandfather
my mom's cousin
my cousin
my grandmother
hospital visits for both of Pete's parents

So, not the holiday for me.

But--now I choose not to hold my breath from Sept-Nov. I take it a day at a time and try to appreciate whatever is going on right at the moment. If something bad does happen, then I'll walk through that with my family and friends when it comes. But why miss out on all the great stuff of life in the meantime?

Plus, there's mom's stuffing, yams, turkey and a thousand vegetables. And pie--one of the great joys of life. Man, I like pie.




##

Year 1

Last weekend was the anniversary of my father's death. It was a hard year, but I realized on Saturday just how fast the year had actually gone by.

Remember those long days of summer? Not this year hot as it was. Is summer only long for kids?

In any case, I spent a lot of time thinking about the past year last weekend. No big answers, but memories of lots of little moments of good throughout the year. Family was especially a focus and it was good to remember how important it is to keep that up front. Friends were appreciated and some reached out in unexpected and very nice ways.

Some things were put on hold, my career for example (although the economy also gets some credit for that). Decisions about moves, Pete's work and other changes were left for a while. Time rushed by just fine, decisions could wait.

All in all, a hard, fast, and not all bad year. And that's ok too, good times are nothing to feel guilty about--had to learn that in the first few months.

I miss you dad. Things are different but I'm trying to pull all the good I can out of life and have a few laughs along the way. Just like you taught me.

More to come.

##

The year, 2009

A rundown of last year. Not sorry it has ended. Wishing for better times in 2010. The details of the year are mostly included in previous posts.

January
Pete and I went to Cancun! I won the tickets, we took an inexpensive hotel and got a great package of amenities from a hotel that wanted to sell us a timeshare.

February
We attended a big birthday party on LI for my brother, Phil, for his 50th.
Pete was chosen to attend a prestigious leadership program at Yale. On his way home, we all met up in NYC for the weekend.

March
Mostly the normal routine: Skating, Tae Kwon Do, art class, friends, meetings, work, scouts.
We were planning to go on our year-long RV trip around the country, but it was around this time that the economic outlook and business potential for Pete on our return started to look very difficult. We decided to cancel the trip and find other alternatives.

April
Attended more Park Days, which are nice for Zack and me, but really not that interesting for Katie.
The highlight of the month was heading to Boston to join Team Lazy in MS Walk Boston. The team raised lots of money for a great cause ($4,000?) and also had a great time.

May
I worked the WGBH events at PBS Showcase in Baltimore. My parents came up to pick up the kids and bring them back to NC for the week. After the event, I went to NC for a few days. I am now very grateful for that trip because the kids got some good time with my dad. He was undergoing radiation at that time, but was not uncomfortable from it.
Later in the month we headed to Boston to celebrate my in-laws' 50th anniversary. My folks came to this party as well and I'm again grateful we got to see them, although my dad's knee was hurting a lot, he did get to dance with Katie.

June
This moth was pretty chill, with the normal routine. Zack took his last belt test, his next will be his black belt.

July
Zack went to Boy Scout Camp where he had a great time and decided to stick with scouts for another year.
We went to Hershey Park and this time made it a two-day trip. Very worth it, since we had never been to the water park section. We all had a great time and Pete and Zack get some good alone time riding all the scary rides that Katie and I don't do.
Later in the month, the kids and I went to NC to visit G'ma and G'pa. So glad we had this time. Dad's knee was on the mend and radiation was over. He was feeling pretty well and even took the kids to the beach the day before we left. I am glad they have that memory! It was just a few days later that his colon gave out. We would never had expected or guessed when we waved goodbye in the driveway that the rest of the year would take such a terrible turn.

August
A lot of this month was spent in preparation for our planned 5 week trip around the west. Lots of doctor and dentist appointments, laundry, travel book reading, list making and packing.
We also met my brother in NC to celebrate my dad's 75th birthday. This trip had been planned as a surprise before he fell ill but was well-timed as it ended up falling between his operations. I'm glad we were all together.
The last weekend of the month we headed to SF.

September
Spent in San Francisco, down the West Coast on the PCH, Palm desert and, finally the Grand Canyon. Still need to recap the really fine trip we were having as a memory for K&Z. Really will do that soon. Jeannie and Johno joined us in SF and were excellent travel companions.
Talked to mom about every other day and dad, maybe every two-three days. He sounded like himself that first week or so but then was very eager to get off the phone. I remember asking Pete to try to keep him on the phone next time they spoke. I was on my cell with Pete while we were at the Getty Center in LA. I spoke to dad last on 9/16 from Palm Desert before we headed out to Joshua Tree...
9/18 we got the news of dad's death and made the trip back to NC. No words for how this all felt, but the response from my parents' friends was overwhelming and I am so very grateful for all the support and prayers from all my friends and family that held me up--and continues to hold me up.

October
Kind of a blur to tell you the truth. Pete took the kids to Boston for a week and I went back down to NC to lend a hand to mom and also to see and say goodbye to my aunt Gloria. She got her diagnosis of lung cancer in August and was fading rapidly. She had a really good day that day and it was nice to see her in such good spirits and able to chit chat.
Halloween we got together with friends which helped me make it a nice holiday for the kids despite feeling like I was walking through jello the whole month.

November
My least favorite month of any year. I have disliked Thanksgiving since childhood and always anticipate November with dread. This year, it was just another dreadful month since Sept, so I guess that lessened the particular dread for it this year. Maybe.
Pete was on tour with The Jet Age for most of the month. His last out of town gig of the tour was in Durham, NC, so the kids and I stopped in with mom for a few days, then met up with Pete in Durham. The club allowed the kids to see the show and they rocked! Celebrated mom's birthday while with her with A Christmas Carol 3-D and Mexican food.
Thanksgiving was spent with mom coming here for a few days and we had a very nice day with the Griski/Grace clan. So wonderful to be around friends who are really family.
Sadly, just after Thanksgiving we lost my aunt Glo. She was such a wonderful character. We'll miss her a lot.

December
How did the end of the year get here so fast? And how could things have changed so very much, so very quickly?
Katie is now sporting braces and looking more like a teen than my little girl. Zack is training to be a black belt and is beginning to actually take care of that long hair he is sporting. I've also noticed in the last week that his voice is beginning to crack!
Mom came again to spend Christmas, then went to LI and came back for New Years. We did some things differently this year including not leaving cookies and carrots for Santa and the reindeer. (sigh)

Good to get the whole year down and note that there was a lot of good before all the really bad. Life happens. Grateful for friends, family and healthy wonderful miraculous children. Here's to 2010 and all the life it has in store for us.

**

Dad's Passing

For those who were following our trip on the blog, I wanted to update it to say that we ended the trip at the Grand Canyon due to the death of my father, Phil. It was a long road back to NC to be with the family.

He was a great father, grandfather and man. There are so many people who loved him and pulled me aside to tell stories or repeat a joke he had told them.

I miss him.

You can find a link to his obituary via the Legacy web site (I don't post last names here, but it is the first part of my last name).

I'll get back to summing up our trip, which was really wonderful, at some point. Just not ready to do it yet.

Michael

Our dear friend Michael died last night after fighting very hard against the rejection of his bone marrow graft. He had been living with Leukemia/Lymphoma for many months.

We worked with Michael on the Synergy workshops way back when and he has been a great friend, mentor, teacher and listener. We saw him in December and he looked good and was, as always, living life to the fullest. He and his wife, Carolyn, were full of hope and plans for the future.

Carolyn is mourning the loss of a friend and soul-mate. Send up a little prayer for her. She will need to head toward a different future than she envisioned at the beginning of this journey. It's been such a blessing to know them both and to see what real vision-holding can be.

Here's a picture of them at the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society's run, in which Carolyn participated.



If you are so moved, donations may be made in honor of Michael Goldstein to the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society HERE.

Steve, farewell

Before I can write about our trip to San Francisco, I need to say a few words about Steve Finer.

We learned when we got to SF that he had died in a freak accident in September and that word had never reached us. We were looking forward to seeing him during our trip. I had never met his wife or their 2 year-old son and it had been years since he had seen Katie and Zack.

The news was shocking to say the least and so Pete and I dealt with various levels of sadness throughout the trip and it has especially hit me since we've been back. Don't know if I just put it aside for the sake of enjoying the trip or if it got more real since returning to my real life.

Steve was a great guy who took life in great big bites. He wasted no time in going after whatever he wanted. That included a move from Boston to San Francisco, marriage, fatherhood, fixing up old cars, getting involved in the production of a TV show and running his own business. Any conversation about loyalty would always bring Steve to mind. He was one of the most loyal friends with an honest interest in whatever was up for you. He was enjoying his married life and thrilled and awed at being a father. I was never a close friend, Pete was much tighter with him, but I will miss him and miss knowing that this constant source of energy and creativity is now missing.

You can see some about him at:
Art of the Chopper

and here:
Guestbook

and when you have a second, send a little energy or a prayer out to his wife Yuki and son Abi.

And don't waste time waiting for your life. It's happening right now.

--Liz